To Google or not to Google.. 

Today I got a letter confirming Laila’s diagnosis of dyspraxia. The letter also stated that they would like to test Laila for ‘fragile x’ . I have honestly never heard of this and I am trying so hard not to Google this and worry myself more. Should I wait and see if it’s something to be concerned about or to prepare myself?! I just don’t know! 

I also joined a dyspraxia support group, they have spoken alot about routine and organisation labels and tags, colour coding ect. I am not really sure where to start  so If you guys have any tips on how to get into better habits please share with me! Kx

Photo Credit: unknown


We must enjoy what we have..

I have this friend, and in so many ways we are the same. Especially when it comes to over analizing our parenting skills. Our situations on paper are very different but its the closest we both have to being able to understand each others ways of thing, which makes alot of the problems that arise over time quite similar.

Its good to have people around you who remind you that you arent alone.

Today we both spoke of our determination to get this parenting malarky right. As we all do. I feel like sometimes i may be a little hard on myself and my idea of the standard of parenting i want to achieve isnt always achievable. I dont mean in the day to day love. Maybe a little more time could be set aside at times but mainly i find myself torn. I would love to be the stay at home earth mother type, which i have a percentage in me, possibly 60%. I also want to be a hardworking role model who can provide alots of wonderful experiences and have a very comfortable finacial life… never going to be me. Yes i work, part time. In a nursery. I am never going to earn a fortune. But i am trying really hard to do my upmost best. We may not be travelling the world in style but we do share experiences in a less glam way closer to home. And my kids seem very happy with what we can do. 

I look at other people my age and how different our lives are. Right now i know one girl who is in NY doing photo shoots as a MUA preparing for fashion week. And another who is working on hair at london fashion week. Another who has built up her own beauty business so high shes just got a new salon and a beautiful 5 bed house and holidaying in duabi. I know i shouldbt compare. And im sure they are just as torn as me. Just in a different way. I dont have to leave my children for days to work and have nannys or clubs picking them up from school. Im there. I do wonder, i wonder if these mothers then make more of the time with their children and because moms like me are around more do we become complacent. Or do you loose that daily connection of what is going on in each others day to day lives.

 I also wonder if as parents we will ever be happy amd guilt free?? No matter which way our life style is.

At the end of the day i want them to be happy, well rounded kids who knew i was always there. Even if i cant always be there for every workshop or assembly. But i am their biggest cheerleader. 

I have to remember we cant have it all. We just have to enjoy what we do have and the experiences that come our way. As parents, we are all truly blessed.


Poorly kids and work dont mix!

So i spent most of the night running from one room to another cleaning up sick, emptying sick buckets, holding hair back and comforting 2 of my 3 children. And i can honestly say i am exhausted! 

Its really hard to get someone to sit when it comes to sickness. And even if they are sick once and are fine in themselves they have to have the 48 hours off school. I cant help but be torn, torn between wanting to be home to look after my babies and feeling guilty for having to call work and tell them i cant go in for a couple of days. Especially when i said i would do extra hours because they needed me. 

I know im not alone here. So many mothers have this guilt feeling, no matter which they are able to do. Its quite sad that as soon as you become a mother that we start to feel guilty for everything. From breast or bottle, to going back to work or not financially contributing to the house hold. To leaving children with sitters or child care to forgetting to practise those spellings… again. 

I know im quite good at this mom thing, but theres always room for improvement when it comes to parenting. Just be nice if the guilt would leave us alone to be the moms we have to be. 


Laila has been diagnosed..

My daughter Laila turns 10 years old this month. When she was 5 we noticed her toe on her right foot wasnt growing straight and was causing her pain. Cutting a few years down abit, weve been told that it will be operated on once her feet stop growing. Because of the pain, Laila was sent to physio. By our second visit with a senior physio at birmingham childrens hospital, she had started to ask more questions about Laila. She has always been clumsy, unorganised/messy, kind of lazy, and abit ditsy, we say shes like a little disney princess in her own little bubble. She will take instructions quite literally. For example, if i asked her to tidy up her desk, she would just tidy up her desk and move all the mess to her bed or on the floor. Shes never been sporty, throwing amd catching can be amusing at times, shes a very stiff runner and doesnt seem to have much spacial awareness.

The physio wrote to our doctors who reffered her imediatly to the peadiatric clinic, to assess Laila for dyspraxia. Dyspraxia? I had never heard of it before. I had been getting so frustrated with Laila for her ways, i mean she was heading to middle school and i still had to remind her to put clean socks on. I thought was Laziness not for a moment did i think she may have a coordinational problem. That is actually classed as an actual disability.

My first feeling was guilt. How had i not known or picked something up sooner? All the times i had told her off for something that was possibly out of her control. Then the thought, i made her wrong, passed through my head.. was i to blame for her to have these issues?

She has been to one occupational therapy appointment for an assmessment and then our next visit to the peadiactric clinic, we were told to expect the paperwork to confirm dyspraxia within a month. 

I had spoken to people who had to fight to get a diagnosis, yet after one assessment here we were. I felt so lucky i didnt have to fight to get her any help she needed. But i also felt sad, sad that she obviously was struggling more than i knew. She hides it well. Rarely complains. But im her mom, i should have known somehow. 

They do want to do some blood tests to see if there is also any underlying muscle problem. But for now, this is where we are. Laila has dyspraxia. And she is a happy little girl in her own disney princess bubble.


Be kind to yourself.

This is something i have always found tricky. Especially since becoming a mother (almost 10 years ago now. Scary thought!) I know what people mean when they say this sentence to you but if it doesnt come naturally to you, how do you do it? Im not really one for regular beauty treatments, i lack style in most ways. Yes, when it comes to my children and my home i find it easy, but if you lack in self confidence and self worth, how do you make that grow? I believe i read that it takes 60-90 days to make something a new habit. Do any of us have enough patience and motivation to force a new habit when the regular day stuff feels like such a chore?

I am going to give it a good go. I am going to try doing abit of yoga each day, just and home watching youtube or something. Ive read this is good for anxiety. I am going to drink more water, eat more balanced meals. Try and find things that i personally enjoy, like going for walks, reading a book, shopping, cooking, baking… whatever it may be. Im going to find it. 

Any hints or tips and ideas are very welcome!! Help! Kx

A little lost.

For the past month now i have been battling the worst depression and anxiety i have experienced in many many years. Sometimes i feel like i am loosing my mind. Just the other day i decided to have an earlier night as i havent been sleeping well for a while now. So, i was lay in bed and it must have been a cold night as the heating clicked itself on. Well that was it, that alone set off the anxiety trigger, all of a sudden i doubting that i had double checked all windows and doors were locked, convinced myself someone would come in to the house during the night.. wait a minute, whats that noise? Im sure i heard foot steps down stairs. I search under the bed for my daughters old crutches and slowly creep down stairs, crutch in hand looking and checking everywhere was safe and locked before heading back to bed, almost running up the stairs like i was in a horror movie being chased by some kind of scary something and kept that crutch by my side for the rest of the night, but while all this was going on a little part of me knew i was being silly and was telling myself off for acting like a fool. There was me, the only one who knew but yet i felt embarrassed and ashamed, i felt like i was being a drama queen but at the same time still terrified of the fact that it could actually happen. 

This was jus one small example of what goes through my mind at times. Anxiety attacks when im out in public are becoming more regular. The thought of work panics me from the minute a work day finishes until the next arrives. 

I cant live like this. This isnt me. Though i need to accept it is now part of me. And thats not easy. 

I need to learn, learn about anxiety and its triggers, learn different ways of coping, find the ways that suit me. I need to learn how to be kind to myself and to truely believe its not a selfish act. I need to learn how to enjoy all the people and things i have around me. I know how lucky i am. But i want to really believe it from deep down and really be truely happy and comfortable in my own skin. Where to start? Kx

Forever Friends?

I am a young mom, 19years old when i had my first, 20 when i had my second. Just 11 months between them! Crazy woman i am! By the time i was 23 i had a home a husband and my 3rd baby. I dont think it was just being young that made the transition hard, i think for any woman it is the people around you. Out of my friends i was the first to have a child, which meant our priorities were so different it was hard to find common ground. I was not interested in parties, pulling, doing a season abroad or any of those things and my friends certainly were not intrested in teething, weaning or what nappy creams work best! I found myself feeling isolated from people my own age. I tried going to baby groups but i found i felt so much judgement from older moms, i believed it was because i was young, and maybe they didnt think they would have anything in common with me, not that anyone would say that. Struggling to find the group i ‘belonged’ to, i stopped trying and before i knew it years had passed and all these relationships had changed, they were strained and abit awkward. Around the time i had my 3rd, others around my age started having their first babies. People started talking to me more, some would ask me for advise over facebook and would now comment on how well i had done because being a mom isnt always so easy and now they saw that for themselves and needed the support from like minded moms too. Now, i am 29, i have a small but strong group of friends of different ages, situations and family unit set ups. Parenting and friendships can be the best mix ever, but also can be really difficult. I had a friend who did pop round once in a blue moon and it wasnt an awkward meeting, but once she had her own, our parenting styles were miles apart. I find it can be really difficult to seperate friendships when you are parents whos standards and/or parenting styles are so different. Small differences are obviously much easier to go over your head. I do think eventually you find your way, some people are just passing through your life, it may be them teaching you something or you teaching them. Sometimes friends arent forever and you drift apart but stay intouch or maybe not,  meeting people is all learning, and learning is always good. We always find a small group we can rely on eventually. Just dont give up talking to and meeting people! Kx