It really can hit you any time…

I have suffered with depression and anxiety since i was pregnant with my first daughter, nearly 10years ago! I have been on and off medication. I have tried different types of therapy, free 12week sessions from local childrens centres, from the doctors surgery and pruvate sessions i have found myself and paid for. I can say that i did not find much difference between the services i experienced other than privately you dont have a limited amount of sessions. 

A while ago, i found myself in a unhealthy relationship and when i tried to end the relationship things started to spiral out of control. After 2 years unmedicated i found this short relationship had knocked me way back and i knew i had to go back to the doctors and ask for help again. I think admitting to yourself that you need help is actually harder than telling your doctor you want to feel better again. I have always found it is the slip in my parenting ways that is my lightbulb moment. I notice i have been less engaged with them and less conected. The guilt is so over whelming i have to do something about it.

2 to 3 weeks later, i start to feel a little bit better. I have a little bit more energy and motivation. Almost feel like i am looking forward to having to do something sociable for a change. This time round, about 8weeks in i feel i have hit the peak of this medication. But i still dont feel like i am back to myself. My anxiety still takes over a little too often and as much as i am better than where i was, i feel like im still just plodding on with the odd good day along with a few bad days. I want to go back to the times i felt i had the power and control to make the most of days and enjoy what i am doing and who i am with. I want to look forward to things, big and little. I know we all have the odd bad day, but i want them to be the odd bad day not the odd good day. I want to feel like i am in control not that i am loosing it. I want to enjoy my children, i want to laugh and i want to be motivated. I want to get up and out and doing things. I dont want to start worrying about work on tuesday when its friday morning anymore. So this is new for me, i know i have to go back and ask for more help. I want to be my best version of myself and i cant do that if i dont. Its time. Kx